


Strangely Entwined

by pleasureis4ever



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Autofellatio, F/F, F/M, French Kissing, M/M, MOAR NIPPLES, Marriage, Voldemort's Nipples, Wedding Day, bodily fluids because stories don't exist without them, cactus, crack!fic, do not read, earmuffs, fountain-shaped fountains, legfuzz, odd terms for odd objects, oddity, or do, proposal, tambourine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:03:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2379233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasureis4ever/pseuds/pleasureis4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sirius wants to propose to Remus, unforeseen events take place and Remus surprises him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The kitten's cave

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine a group of bored students at a table. They pass a paper round the table and each write down *one* word.
> 
> For your reading pleasure, the actual text without all the colours is below.

Remus and Petunia touched wet towels, and diapers which were very recently washed unlike the bum, desired eachother's armpits intensely.

Then Sirius jumped out, screaming, “you are sooooo strangely entwined! How defuq does Neville fit in those towels? Never do this again, if naughty is not what you like. However, I enjoy tickling, so please go to someone who knows how rubber ducks squeak: Gilderoy or Trelawney sighs exasperatedly, every second seems hour-like length, because pleasure is 4ever.”

Somehow she, McGonagall, thought that Sirius' dong talked, so she screamed, “Neville, come into my humble kitten's cave,” purring, whilst she flexed her nipples and stretched her voluptuous toenails, arousing Petunia's deeply disturbing fetish.

Gilderoy peeked around Remus' butt, staring at naked Voldemort's nipples. “How can anyone be aroused and stupefied by nipple-flexing?” he wondered.

Remus's buddy, Sirius, strangled Neville until he spat his 'milk' over the enormous nipples, that were intesely muscled, as Petunia loved them.

“My dearest Neville,” Sirius sighed. “How I desperately want milk in my longing mind to quench my unquenchable, throbbing desire for your chesthair, unshaven and braided delicately.”

Suddenly Remus sprang up from his lover and threw off his wig, his beautiful testicles bounced joyously up and down.

Sirius roared in ecstacy and pulled out his tambourine, intending to smack Petunia. But Remus flung a cactus out and stabbed violently into Gilderoy's nippple causing blood to flow over Neville.

Insects were annoying McGonagall, crawling around the kitten's cave.

Gilderoy wondered about Remus' hairiness, considering how werewolf-like Remus' sexy legs were.

Letters in the steamer trunk were divine, seductive and hot. They smelled like teen spirit, so Sirius always hugged his plushy penis passionately, kissing it with vigour. Autofellatio, glorious delight spread like rainbows through a climactic burst of “milk.” He left his glistening fluid dripping onto the tambourine.

Neville licked Voldemort's “wand” with his tongue, thus moistening it while eating nutella with silverware.

Lucius suddenly screeched manly, while banging pots on the head of Dobby.

Petunia retaliated by screaming soliloquies, she chopped off McGonagall's earmuffs violently.

Meanwhile, Remus tried to shift focus towards Sirius, his “buddy,” whom he loved dearly. Unbuttoning his flower-patterend undergarments and exposing his delicately braided chesthair, he exclaimed: “Sirius, will you marry me now?” To which Sirius happily responded: “yes!” They lived happily ever AFTER. <3

 

 


	2. "What the actual octopus?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus' and Sirius' wedding day, on which odd family members come to visit and plot points are resolved and created anew.

What the actual octopus?

 

Sirius was hapily defenestrating Sinistra's butt, because he hated her, when suddenly Bellatrix showed him her extensions. They growled with passion and Bellatrix licked the area surrounding Sirius' ears. Lupin jumped at her throat, teeth chattering out rhythmic allophones. He yelled: “don't lick so sexily! Instead grab her extensions! Pull them viciously! I cannot stand her alluring bosoms! Come with me, and eat my tasty 'milk'!”

 

Sirius leered mysteriously at Lupin, licking his nipples suggestively. Kreacher placed a kiss on Dobby's lumpy little hairy nose.

 

Meanwhile, Gilderoy patched his new nipple onto his hairless chest, whilst screaming: “I'm casually stroking my nipples.” Also, Sirius and Dumbledore are together, laughing heartily and rubbing each other's towels.

 

Thus came Lucius crawling over, screeching venomously, committing naughty deeds while singing Celestina Warback. Neville loked positively shocked, but he couldn't help himself and peed on himself.

 

Lucius danced around the towels feverously, praising Merlin's thong, because he loved knitted seamonsters. Tentacles were wrapping around his 'wand'. They lessened their grip just enough for Lucius' 'wand' to spill magic 'sparks' onto Neville's nipples. Neville surprisingly didn't know how 'wands' work, so simply let his towels drop onto the brotherhood without even questioning what the brotherhood was, like “what the actual octopus.”

 

Meanwhile Sirius grabbed Lupin's nose, licking his nostrils hungrily. Squishy Flabberworms slither in Lupin's pants, although Wolfsbane and Veritaserum flowed through his veins. Telling Sirius limericks and recipes, while he rubbed Kreacher violently on the cheeks, Lupin kissed Sirius passionately.

 

Weddingbells chanted because two 'buddies' united saliva. Their wedding day had become very moist, because werewolves drool bucketfuls onto partners.

 

“Why must you do all this slobbering, slut?” quipped Neville when slathered with Lupin's Patronus' sperm.

 

“Find me some flowers to smash before I start ejaculating, oaf bread eating donkey,” said Sirius, then french-kissed Bellatrix, then switched to Remus' 'wand' with no embarassment whatsoever.

 

The liquid that leaked from clouds was rain. Not any longer did he clutch Remus' 'umbrella' which vibrated heavily: “now kiss!” Neville panted. “Ay, matey,” answered Sirius, and pressed his tongue into Remus' furniture. Bellatrix watched while Remus moaned ecstatically and skipped happily around...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But what about Kreacher and Dobby? And Gilderoy's patched nipples? Why is Bellatrix watching Remus suddenly happily skipping around ('sides the fact it's his wedding day)? Stay tuned for the next installment...


	3. Farbenprächtige Apfeltorte

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wigtor!  
> Sirius' and Remus' story/journey/lovetale continues with a few foreign visitors.

Gilderoy ate a banana while chasing his trousers. Meanwhile Sirius and Remus were wondering whether they should have danced in the volcano fumes, snogging their faces and their ankles, panting. “Goodmorning Severus! How does your nose feel, ugly?”

Shocked Severus looked at the gays.

“Applepie,” said Remus, his toes curling with hunger for _snickers_. Sirius watched as Severus hoola-hooped.

Hedwig's underwear fell down, revealing a fluffy tail.

“Oohoo, you mofo,” growled Remus. He grabbed Sirius' pinkyfinger and pulled it hard, because he liked it. Groaning, Gilderoy stuffed an olive down his nose. He inhaled the sweet sensation while crying because memories flooded his wacky brain and amnesia killed past fantasies.

Meanwhile Hedwig hooted irritably, while Hagrid stroked his armpit hair, because beautiful animals lived inside. Buckbeak purred enthusiastically when McGonnagall showed up in Hagrid's pubic hair and asked: “WHYYYYY?!?!”

“Shit on me!” shouted Lavender Brown shrilly. Severus obeyed hastily. Filthy, she thought. Then, surprisingly, Gilderoy giggled uncontrollably. Usually, Neville would try spleening premiumly. Appletart, however, spleened without knowing that spleening sucks.

“ _Die Apfeltorte schmeckt schreklig! Sie sind nicht homosexuelle genug_!” _sagte_ Viktor.

“No! You, son, are damn _lustig_!” Remus whispered hoarsely. Sirius was jumping onto Remus, humping him in various positions and sucking his 'wand' tenderly. Professor Quirrell and Voldemort joined the 'party' when Remus came back from Amsterdam's volcano of 'lava' and blissfully smiled. Sirius kicked Quirrell into the 'lava'.

“Goodday,” he mumbled flirtatiously and licked Remus' chest hair dreamily. Remus gasped, braiding Viktor's moustache delicately. Viktor really 'yoohoo'-d, irritating Sirius' loins. Seriously. Sirius scratched his tongue thoughtfully with a spork, munching Remus' peanuts. Remus screamed, delighted.

“Oohoo,” flirted McGonnagall with the Bulgarian/German hybrid owl. The owl, Victor, ignored McGonnagall's flirtatious voice and focussed on Hedwig's feathery wings fluttering against his butt. Suddenly, Hedwig pooped. “Gross,” hiccupped Lavender, covered in a turd, sneezing furiously onto Snape who was enjoying the applepie.

“ _Lasst mir auch ein bisschen essen, Junkfrau_!” screeched Viktor to Snape in a soothing, sing-song voice.

“ _NEIN!_ _Die SCHMETTERLING! Ich bin ein Berliner_ ,” said Snape, passionately. Viktor didn't want any 'lava', so he skedaddled out of the volcano. Hedwig followed nervously and tried to lick Viktor's buttocks, which were very rigid and soft. Viktor vibrated climaxively and nearly erupted in joy. Meanwhile, Neville touched Lucius' silky leg hair and braided it tenderly, because pleasure is 4ever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, yes.  
> Italics is German.
> 
> Much reference to Everything is Illuminated. Spleening is, after all, premium.


	4. Da, mein liebling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We distance ourselves from our happily married couple and revisit the kitten cave.

Gilderoy ran enthusiastically towards the magnificent castle and came to Lucius’ unwavering, charming, humongous door. “Milady, you’re truly gruesome,” cried the house-elf, waving his dreadlocks around.

Neville was climbing upon Draco’s toy bunny, hopping enthusiastically while Gilderoy was trying to grab his ears. Something grabbed his tail violently and he fell face-forward onto Snape’s throbbing, hot nose, which twitched violently at the sensation.

Snape squirted snot, because he is allergic to Neville.

Gilderoy rubbed joyously against the whimpering house-elf, who unfortunately farted on Lucius, squealing.

Meanwhile, Draco continuously used the lonely Hedwig as his willing participant in experimental, dangerous games. Nevertheless, Viktor pulled out his horrible ‘corkscrew’ and shouted loudly “ _da, mein Liebling_ ,” penis-crying.

Lucius ungrammatically commented on this “good this is, testicle-tastic.”

Then Neville sniffed the last watermelon seeds into his pharynx. He coughed, eyes bulging and squirted moistly. “Gross,” said Lucius.

“Rainbows are gay unicorns,” replied Severus. Then he slipped away quietly into McGonagall’s kitten cave and rubbed bleeding fish on blue wallpaper therin.

“Gross,” Snape said, flicking boogers at Neville, who gleefully screeched at Draco.

Bubble butts drenched Gilderoy in sinfully delicious nipples and furballs, and he moaned longingly at Lucius, because the kitten cave is forever <3


	5. Tippety-tip, tic-tac-toe, tally-ho!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Polyjuice potions or just guest appearances? Who knows. We don't. Tally-ho!

Peacocks were prancing around Wormtail’s little finger which was broken by Draco’s ego because Remus and Sirius violently hiccupped. They licked Draco’s delicately shaped chest-hair, which was braided beautifully and tickled Sirius’s belly-button very nice.

Then Lucius giggled mysteriously and danced naked in fountain-shaped fountains.

Dobby cried because he shaved his ankles with spoons decorated richly with golden pandas.

Then Sirius curiously peeked around Remus’ butt-hair, braided beautifully, screeching.

Lucius’ silk stockings were hot and ssssexy.

Hagrid pressed his thumb to Dobby’s ‘lawnmower’.

“I adore towles trailing behind buttocks because Neville licks his ‘wand’,” said Gilderoy longingly. Amazingly, desire was not burning in his chest hair’s tippety tip but in his grand amazement.

Snape’s dick was incredibly limp, ‘milk’ poured from his pimples, shaped like weird onions.

Cocksure Cedric walked in, ripping wallpaper from McGonagall’s kitten cave, blue, fishy, men-smelling, majestic wallpaper.

Panties flew around the headmaster’s face, who jumped on Aragog’s back and screeched terrible allophones into his ear. “[ æ t ʃ uː  aɪ  æ m  s ʊ z ɪ].”

Aragog whipped Dumbledore’s beard with his sizzling legfuzz which shone brightly. Then Victor appeared magically. He was glowering and then explained he was gay, because he actually is Geilert Grindelwalt.

Then Dobby launched a fierce attack on Cedric, who secretly was Cho Chang’s wife.

Karkarov ripped Dumbledore’s buttocks apart, because he longed for da booty and revealed sinewy pecs. He yelled that he really needed a shag from Geilert. Threesomes happened every fortnight because he switched his appearance to Dumbledore! –dumdumdum–

Twitching eyebrows appeared on his butt, commenting rhythmically on the beat. Then mysterious ticking noisesss ticked in Draco’s chest. Suddenly Voldy appeared. “Wazzap bitchezzz, who is willing to suck my earlobe?”

Neville immediately sprung to the offer and towels whirled around the couple. Dobby clapped his nostrils wetly while he rubbed his tummy.

Lucius kicked Draco’s lovely arse tenderly and nakedly, because water dripped from his sparkling ‘fountain.’ Lucius then stopped pounding on that arse to start crying salty ‘tears,’ which fell onto Neville’s nipples.

Meanwhile, Draco and Victor and Hedwig were tic-tac-toeing in a tiny shrubbery. Wormlike creatures boogied until Wormtail fell asleep on them, drooling and dripping white bechamel sauce on them. Hedwig winked seductively at some lasagna. She screeched sexily “tally-ho!”


	6. Potato precious porridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plots zijn ruk  
> i also hate my friends  
> also known as 'the chapter of making things worse & losing followers'

Geilert jumped up, panting. “Albus kick me there where the pleasure is truest, verily.” Albus ordered harshly.

He slicked up his wand and quickly launched his lasso twirling towards Geilert, who screeched manly. But Gilderoy combusted happily and he sparkled fabulously, because his teeny tiny weener twinkled graciously underneath all the bellyfat, which was hairy, braided delicately like your mother's asshair.

Meanwhile, Lucius came splendidly. Cheeks puffed and rounded and full of dildos they screamed loudly.

Neville convulsed cocksure and he swallowed everything that made the others squirm.

Meanwhile Sirius and Remus made 'love' in a haystack, pumping irons intesely. They frogleaped into purgatory because they were sinfully delicious. Then they tic-tac-toed onto Neville's nipples and swiftly sprouted wings.

Suddenly McGonagall unhinged the infamous kitten-cave to let in damp soup with meatballs made from paper airplanes which were rather squishy. “Potato, precious porridge,” said drunkely, McGonagall, rubbing bum-fluff against her nipple piercing belonging to Neille. Suddenly Hagrid peeped around the legfuzz and 'yoohoo'd' happily.

McGonagall dryhumped his big 'toe,' because she fantasises about being fucked by said 'toe'. Meanwhile Dobby cried very quietly. Towels flew around to whip Neville roughly, while [s ʊ z ɪ] was spanking him. They left stains everywhere on her eyebrows, which were hairy.

Then Sirius epic-rap-battle-of-history-ed Snape, who sang a serenade accompanied by Lily's dead body. It vibrated painfully because sadness flows, always, for everything dead. Crying, Snape's teary-eyed eyes filled with tears. He snotted trollsnot into McGonagall's kitten cave, which was moist, soupy and spinning. Beautiful nipples cultivated the once bloodstained wallpaper and iceskated away elegantly, jingling.

Then Lucius pranced in wearing a tutu and heels, which suited him ill. Pink eyeliner smudged his aura splendidly. He wore fishnetstockings, which pinched his perfect arse and tied his balls together.

 


	7. Intense tents tented

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We pick up Remus' and Sirius' storyline again, who go on honeymoon to Dootshland.  
> They are visited by Viktor and Hedwig's lovely hybrid children.
> 
> (fuck you i counted all the a's in Aaaaaaaaah! as per your request you nasty person.)

Valentine’s Day was approaching and Remus wanted Sirius to dress as a policeman, because its handcuffs would fit his dong graciously, delicately and perfectly. Sirius’ complementiserless penis cried viciously at Dobby who taught Sirius naughty deeds. Lucius tangoed towards the bubblicious buttcheeks, sticking a pie wafting odours into the crack of the oven. Then Dobby bracketed sentences which were dumb.

Married, Remus and Sirius went on honeymoon to Hopfenberg. Once upon a time they jived newlywed to their tent, continuing their lovemaking passionately and gayly.

“Oohoo Sirius,” Viktor Jr oohood happily. The half-owl/half-man said: “Welcome in Dootshland, Apfeltörten!” Then he saw them fricklerfrackling in the intense tent and clapped excitedly.

“Can I cry?” Sirius bellowed, ogling his friend’s son. Remus girlishly giggled delicately because he was braiding Sirius’s chesthairs which winked at his partner.

Viktor Jr sang shrill songs when the two were humping gladly in the intense heat because they felt creepily excited.

“Your face feels furry and frequently floppy, mon,” said the owl-man hybrid Viktor Jr huskily. That seemed weird.

Sisters then gasped because they flapped past happily. So then they looped down from the sky. Hedwig Jr and Miss Piggy hooted quietly. “Huhuhu,” they squirmed awkwardly. Sirius tenderly stroked Dobby’s left nipple but Remus jealously bit Sirius’s Achilles’ heel.

“Aaaaaaaaah!” Snape roared, because Neville’s towels fell onto his nose.

“Yoohoo,” whooped Remus sneakily, ‘peek-a-booing’ Dobby on his grotesque ears. Neville cried loudly and shrieked, pecked Snape on his nose.

Voldemort on the roof cried: “The roof is on me! Waka-waka eh eh.”

Then Snape ate bananapie vividly because bananas are love. Bananas are life. Bananas *in minion voice*. Afterwards he sang hymns, high-pitched and quietly.

Then, with stilettos Lucius trotted into the room sneakily, while Viktor Jr gulped hard because his breakfast was worms.

Meanwhile, Remus jumped into Sirius’ arms, snogging fiercely and entangling their towelly bodies.

“Freckles quack microscopically,” said Snape drunkenly, while Neville swallowed more of the bullshit (figuratively) and rolled around in (literal) bullshit.

“Tihi, Remus, you pretty man,” giggled Geilert who sucked air into his ‘lungs,’ while Hagrid snickered angelically behind Dobby.

Tensefully, intense tents tented testimonies to tentacles.


	8. Avada jemama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fun fun fun

Harpstrings sounded violently and exploded violently upon a mysterious, yet elegant manner. Then penises fell and impaled Lucius. He gargled violently, spewing stuff in Neville’s bellybutton.

This shocked him and he widened his bumhole. Funguswater drooled sadly in the uvula and it buzzed beefully, bumbling, blinding, baring big butts between small dicks, flowery togas and buttiful dead flies.

Then, Hagrid climbed unto the stage to exasparate his wand onto Dobby.

“Not expelliarmus!” screamed Narcissa, glueing Draco gleefully in pink glue, because hippos are cute.

“Hippopotamuses, _vadsig_!” Draco yells. Then Dumbledore shoots glittery star-shaped sparkles all over dead Lucius’s hot knees, while Neville hoolahooped viciously.

Lucius was resurrected, and exposed bumfluff, braided softly and delicately itched his nosehair.

“Avada jemama!” Voldemort screeched at Lucius, who shat bricks. Narcissa (figuratively) shat pixies. Draco was shitting rainbows constantly, while he enjoyed licking Neville’s shit.

Ladybugs marvelled at the sight of Hedwig’s excrements. Viktor blazed through the drapes and kissed Flitwick’s pinkytoe. Tenderly Flitwick touched Draco’s hair and braided it delicately. Again. Ugh.

Sirius swoons seriously swooningly, seriously, such serious seriousness. srsly. Secretly, silently, Sirius sniffed solemnly, slaves sought solace, subverting space sickness. Suddenly, Snape shocked sodomyful socks snotty stuffed sorrowful sentiment. “Sincerely, sexy, sassy, sensual, semantically sootopolis saxophonists,” said Snape sourly, so sourly.


	9. Harry doesn't live &  *~*~*interlude*~*~*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck everyone who kept harry alive  
> fuck these allophones

Remus farted bubbles smelling like popsicles, because Sirius gave Dobby an ear-lobe.

Then they adopted a Taiwanese slave child, called [sʊzɪ]. It was cross-eyed, fat, ugly, straight, and o-legged. Sirius squinted at racist rednecs, robbing the vaults of Red Bull inc. while guzzling firewhiskey into his bellybutton surreptitiously.

Choking, Remus hugged a koala and a giraffe, eating them, roasted into pepper stew stuffed with legfuzz croutons and tasty braids. It moved sensually, sexually, sloppily, secretly, delicately and drunkenly.

Dumbledore winked at his lover Geilert wickedly, promising eternal beauty and butt-touching, but Hedwig Jr. intervened by flapping ferociously and pooping on his butt excrementally.

Meanwhile Cedric was cocksure and cocky, wandcores exploded and splattered squishily, stewie, scandalously, sticky suddenly, Snape-ily always sucked socks. Then he died.

“Who?” asked Remus.

“Your mother.”

Harry didn’t say anything. He didn’t understand why existed, he.

“Anyway,” Ron said, “I don’t exist,” disappearing.

Hermione also didn’t exist.

Nobody truly understands why, nor how death feels about chess, or cheese nachos, or nibbits, or thongs, or pansexuality porn, or feet-fetishes. Death is but the next tiny dick.

"Cunt!” screeched Sirius as manly, braiding chest hair delicately flapped against his earlobes.

Then [sʊzɪ] jumped delicately onto chairs, which delicately broke because Neville’s towels delicately existed. They danced sexually, rhythmically, intensely, kitten-cavely, plushly penisly, Voldemort’s-nipply, fountainshaped fountainsly, teary-eyedly, poopily, excrementally.

Harry died. But then Harry WAS RESURRECTED. joke. Harry WAS QUARTERED and buried ALIVE. Harry screamed manly. joke. He smirked lively, hurt but bleeding a lot, while living barely alive. However he impaled [sʊzɪ] a.k.a Dumbledore.

Everyone laughed evilly, burning Harry’s testicles delicately.

“That tickles,” Snape moaned, reading a ‘grey’ novel.

“Naughty,” said McGonnagall sensually, whipping Snape with her tail.

Neville’s towels dropped, like the kittens from heaven, which licked Snape’s nose.

McGonagall really is CATWOMAN(TM), hiding in her KITTEN CAVE(TM).

*~*~* interlude *~*~*

Remus and Neville were having sweet dreams about porn and unicorns and rainbows.

Meanwhile, Sirius felt plushy chesthairs, which were knotted with bowties, towels and delicate braids.

[sʊzɪ] said “Hork! I shall bake cinnamon apple pie and delicious spermwhale. Then Sirius shall catch a flea which drank his icecold milk and leave.”

Then [sʊzɪ] flew away sensually flapping legfuzz.

Petunia crashed into a tree when suddenly [sʊzɪ] came unto her. It was straight down her breasts.

Milk poured from her eyes and ears and ‘cave’ while McCatwoman flew into Petunia.

Meanwhile, Sirius wept salty, brown dye off Remus’s chest. Remus immediately came, moaning allophonic morphemes, closer to Sirius’ ear: “[za:rtʃ fæɻt ßʊt].”

Yes. No. Maybe. Coincidence? Then they intercoursed.

Neville joined, swinging towels towards birds. He enthusiastically chipknipped with Vernon, who burst into flames elegantly.

Petunia cheered for Neville to IKEA pencils while [sʊzɪ] was crying tearfully because Snape hated ice tea.


	10. -untitled-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GASP! the plushy penis plot is finally resolved! Also, alliteration. Awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when yours truly doesn't attend. *middlefingers for everyone*

Lispingly, Remus killed time by fingering his anus seductively. Such terrible moaning was heard throughout his intense tutus’ ballads and tesseracts. Fortune smiled moustachodly, dickily and Stalin-y. Since Viktor had died horribly boring, Hedwig mourned by his grave, weakly lamenting and touching butts with Tonks.

Narcissistic Narcissa sissed sissily and sissingly sampled snickers. She sneezed sharply and suffered severely, since Snivelly shot the sheriff. Sadly, Sirius saw /s ʊ z ɪ/ shrivel shrimply, so sexy aesthetically ass.

As McCatwoman happily excremented into Snape’s trousers, plushy stuffing falling from his penis and into inkwells overflowing with legfuzz.

Quidditch was destroyed as Wood would wield Woody ;) and unicorns had sex, amazing, dead sex.

“Please commtit atrocious banging,” Baldymort bellowed below butts, buttifully buttering his bald booty with buttered bread. But benignly brought bruscettas –yam- and applepie across America. Feel the Force. Happy to be continued.


	11. The Actual Octopus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things... happen.  
> There's marriage. It's half-heterosexual and heavily alliterated.
> 
> Typing this chapter up has blinded me what the fuck

Remus slept together with Sirius’ teddybear, because it was his ass’s delight. Then he threw socks down his plushy throat, which promptly caused Dumbledore to gag* violently.

/sʊzɪ/ and Crookshanks appeared, swallowing glittery apples. Karkarov danced to aeolian harpy’s cries while Lucius waltzed into Hagrid’s hut’s basement’s cupboard to eat lots of applepie fluff with Voldemort’s nose piercings, which delicately shook melodic on the pie’s crust. Hedwig danced provocatively after the pie was served.

Dobby died. But then /sʊzɪ/ reanimated him into death, but no. He LIVED FOREVER in our hearts; yes. And in reality, he died.

But Kreacher dropped life-elixer on Viktor! And he lives once more! It’s a miraculous dick joke.

Remus sniffed, sadly, because liquid pus flowed out of his eyesockets while his husband stared in horror. Then Baldymort’s nipples tambourined excitedly. Dobby lived! Remus killed Ron, again. Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be, if we met at midnight in the hanging tree.

Meanwhile spiders were abseiling into the grass successfully. Aragog cried out in agony at McCatwoman, because Karkarov kissed Remus passionately without passion while Sirius gagged.

Hermione died alone in a dungeon, loveless and forgotten, without pain. Then more people died, but everybody lived. Except for Snape – always – lived.

However, Dobby pooped rainbows and glitter, because he was fabulously gay and beautifully buttiful. Then Voldemort squirted harsly on razorsharp, rose-coloured, peachy spermwhales’ blowholes. Grass was green and blue, the sun was fabulously green. Dumbledore was gay, however.

Viktor flew away gaily, arriving at the church where marriage between the Lake Octopus and Hogwarts was heterosexual-ish and fervently illegal in Texas and also in Alabama. Tequila bodyshots were extremely actual octopusly. Then Hedwig joined Viktor in a threesome with the castle, which didn’t partake in the spanking of booties or castles.

“Come, sexy thing,” Godly Remus moaned ecstatically bored. “Give kisses wetly if you desire bumfluffilicious booties, my precious child.”

/sʊzɪ/’s scent swirled sierlijk-ly schön-ly, soleil-ly sugoi-ly strasvietzje-ly, stimulus-ly boobily tietelijk swiggety-swootily not. Hehe Hagrid’s hut’s was hopefully hopping, hugging, helpless hearts hard. However, he hated hipsters heavily harding homoerotic heartache porn and heterosexual history. Hoarders had helped horcruxes hunting Harry and heard hissing hotties heartily humping horridly hurriedly hornily hotly horrenduously homely hoarsely and heavily.

Then suddenly Hagrid’s hut hobbled hungrily halfway to the great hall, howling happily handsomely and hipsterlike Hagridly hung. Huza! Hip

 

*has been misread as ‘gay’ for about half an hour during writing

 


	12. Chapter ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mysterious o-legged Taiwanese kid returns... [s ʊ z ɪ] is back.

Truthfully, nobody really liked the wizard of magic beans, but he loved his "beans" fondly.

Once he stroked them, and they bit his dick violently, breaking sweat and groaning loudly at Snape's butt. However, the stockings held his legs.

Then, suddenly, Lucius exploded into little pieces that fabulously survived. It killed Aragog tho. Cri.

Thankfully, Slughorn sexily buried him while dancing the tango. Joy!

Meanwhile, Lupin screeched seductively, serenely, sassily, and spoonily. Snape stuck something sappy inside Lily's kittencave. Ew.

James murdered Lily, then kissed Severus passionately. Sexily, they sexed.

Slughorn and [s ʊ z ɪ] embraced towels, moist and wet. Neville laughed at them, because his fountain-shaped bucket tickled sheep who bucket-shapedly fountained chocolate fountains.

Suddenly Doby puked tears which sparkled loudly, but dripped sadly onto knitted socks. His socks barked, and bit wildly at Snape, thankfully.

**Author's Note:**

> But what happens with Sirius' plush penis? Who *does* enter McGonagall's humble kitten cave? Stay tuned, for the gripping saga will continue...


End file.
